Just joshin' ya, Smeyer
by rmahran
Summary: ...but seriously, Twilight sucks.  DISCLAIMER: If you're a rabid fangirl, just leave. Now. Go meditate on your cardboard cut-out of Edward or something.
1. Bestselling romance novel Cheesecake

My totally original idea for a book about eternal love between a man and cheesecake:

The man is struggling with his temptation to eat the cheesecake, and he is brooding and self-hating because he has eaten cheesecakes before. Therefore, he struggles to keep away from the cheesecake in order to 'protect' it.

However, the cheesecake is so beautiful, and it smells so effervescently (use lots of words for the hell of it, especially if they don't make sense) delicious, the man goes to sleep every night dreaming about the cheesecake. Then, one night, the man breaks into the coffee place where they serve the cheesecake...and he just stares at the cheesecake. He watches it while it 'sleeps'.

One day he tries to walks in the coffee shop and keep staring at the cheesecake...except someone already ate it. Distressed and heartbroken, he walks out of the shop and just as he leaves, he sees someone eat the last slice of his cheesecake...and he flips the fuck out.

He pulls the chair from under him and brutally assaults him with the chair, and all the waiters and witnesses are standing there, witnessing him, aghast. They keep staring at him as he finally slows down, breaks down, and runs away... and then everyone just going back to doing what they were doing and ignores the poor man on the ground.

So one customer asks one of the waitresses why anyone would go ballistic and do such a thing. The waitress shrugs and says, "...Well, he did love the cheesecake."

FIN.


	2. SkitScript: Predicting Breaking Dawn

_Bella (on screen): Oooh, Edward..._

_Edward (on-screen): EUNNNNNNNNGHHHHH -breaks bed-post-_

Friend: Oh my God OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO THE GREAT HULK!

Me: Bella shouldn't have made him angry.

Friend: -excited- YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY.

Twifan1: Kay, stop talking about the Hulk, okay? Edward is more amazing than the hulk-

Me: -Okay, look...*pauses* Does Edward smash things when he gets angry...?

Twifan2: Ummmm, no...but he DOES throw things around!

Me: Hulk smashes. Ergo, he wins. END OF.

Twifan1: -rolling eyes- Ughh, but...

Friend: -banging on seat- HULK SMASH!

Me: Sorry, ladies, he hulk smashed. Your argument is invalid.

AFTER SEX SCENE:

Me: O_O ...vagina? What vagina? I no longer own a vagina. That scene just...it just fucking scared it away.

Friend: You should go file a complaint.

Me: Yeah, I should shouldn't I? I should pull out a pen and paper *mimes pulling out an invisible pen and paper* and be all *scribbling on invisible paper* "I just saw the Breaking Dawn sex scene. You owe me a new vagina."

Friend: *laughs*

Twifan1: *sighs* God, you guys are unbelievable! This scene is a important scene in the entire SAGA! See, now that they're married, they're finally able to consummate their LOVE for one another!

Twifan 2: And also, like, without the sex, like, how are they going to have Renesmee? Renesmee is the reason everything happens, you know.

Me: ...the hell you guys come from? O_O

Twifan 2: We like, heard you talking shit about Twilight, and we were just trying to, like, educate you...

Twifan 1: Yeah, so you like, need to appreciate their love for one another. Cause other wise...y'know, its kind of invading our privacy, y'know, our personal...thing...

Friend: You mean like what you just did? Like...just now, butting in our conversation when we didn't ask you?

Twifan 1: Ummm *raises hands and turns away* No need to be rude, y'know.

Twifan 2: Yeah, we were just, like, helping you out, so you know... *both sit back down muttering, "God, so rude"*

Me: Umm...okay. So... *gesturing to the screen* let's see what else we have to sit through.

Friend: Yeah, I mean, we've just seen a soft-core zombie porn, how much worse could it POSSIBLY get?

_Edward(on screen): This is Edward. Bella's a silly vomiting human again. What's the problem?_

_Carlisle(on-screen): She's pregnant, you dipshit. Get over here NOW._

_Edward(on screen): ...But ...I used a condom._

Me: Oh...God...

Friend: *into walkie talkie* This is Writer speaking. I want ALL airhorns on stand-by for the coming scene. Over. *switches of walkie-talkie* This is NOT going to go well...


	3. SkitScript: Renesmee

**AFTER BIRTH SCENE:**

Everyone: O_O

Airhorner 1: *yelling in agony* THE AIR HORNS! THEY DO NOTHING!

Airhorner 2: Where's the brain bleach? I NEED THE BRAIN BLEACH!

(Airhorner 3 proceeds to violently vomit)

Airhorn 4: *curled up in foetus* I-I feel so dirty...so...so violated... *weeps*

(Movie goers slowly get up and leave the theatre at this point.)

Me: ...**WOW...**

Friend: What...

Me: ...**WOW...**

Friend: ...the FUCK...

Me: ...**WOW...**

Friend: ...did I just SEE?

Me: I have NO clue. Just...I don't want any.

Friend: WOW. SOOOOO many things I could have gone without seeing in 3-frickin'-D.

Me: So many things I could have gone without seeing EVER. *facepalm* You know, it's just that..I...a PERSON... *gestures manically* A LIVING, BREATHING, PERSON...they thought this was A GOOD IDEA!

Friend: What's more HORRIFYING, a group of PEOPLE!

Me: I know! Oh dear GOD...

Friend: They-Y'know, w-with beating hearts...feelings...OPPOSABLE FRICKIN' THUMBS! They...they ENDORSED THIS! I...fucking... *gesticulates wildly in confusion*

Me: How did these people EVEN get hired ANYWHERE?

Friend: THESE people, they have NO RIGHT to be called functioning human beings! I mean, are they even HUMAN? They don't deserve that title!

Me: They don't deserve their opposable thumbs.

Friend: *stunned, shaking his head*...that thing ate her womb. *I pat his back*

Twifan 1: Will you guys stop bitching! (Me and friend roll eyes and moan, "Fuck off...") You guys need to, like, grow up, kay? You guys can either, like, sit down and shut the hell up or...y'know, just leave!

Me: Oh God, will you two just fuck off? Anyway, you fangirls do more screaming and bitching throughout the whole movie than WE make any noise for commentating on the movie!

Twifan 2: *jumping up and down impatently* No, you guys can't just... you need to, like, grow up, as Tasha said... (Tasha: *nods* Yeah) *spiritual*...and LEARN to appreciate the beauty of...the miracle of childbirth...

Friend: Miracle-childbirth-fuck-what...*freaking out, sputtering and gesticulating towards the screen* TH-THAT THING! JUST ATE! ITS WAY! THROUGH HER! FUCKING WOMB!

Tasha: *sighs impatiently* Look, it doesn't matter anyways, cause Renesmee is no ORDINARY baby, alright-

Friend: *shouting* **HER WOMB!**

Twifan 1: Look, calm down, okay? Its just a movie!

Friend: THERE IS A FUCKING HOLE IN HER ENTIRE STOMACH BECAUSE OF THE BABY!

Tasha: -Don't interrupt us while we're talking, okay? It's really annoying.

Friend: *bellowing* YOUR FACE IS ANNOYING!

Me: *holds friend back* OKAY...um, we're gonna stop there... *turns to Twifans* ...look, just sit down and shut up, okay? We never asked you, your entitled to your own opinions, we're entitled to ours.

Twifan: Its okay. Just remember to put a leash on your dog next time. *smug smile*

Tasha: Oooh, sick burn, Amy! *hi five, laughing* You BETCH!

Friend: *breaks free* GRAAAAAAAAGHHH! *lunges forward, Tasha and Amy lean back, alarmed, as he manages to break free but is held back by me*

Me: No, no...*calm voice* its okay, they're not worth it...there's a MILLION more Twitards where demon spawn NORMALLY comes from...*glares at Amy and Tasha*

Amy and Tasha: Pssht...whatever...

Friend: *laughs* Yeah...

Me: *sits down* Alright, so NOW we've been through the worst part.

Friend: *follows suit* Yeah, what could possibly happen?

_Jacob walks in on screen and sees Renesmee_

_Renesmee(on-screen): *giggles*_

_Jacob(on-screen): So...beautiful..._

_Renesmee(on-screen): *giggles and coos*_

_(Off-screen Renesmee's voice as an older woman): Come hither...my soulmate..._

_Jacob(on-screen): Yes...my destined love..._

Me: *speaking urgently on walkie talkie* Alright,men, this is it. I want everyone to start their airhorns now. Do you hear me? This is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill!

Airhorner (on-walkie talkie): Uhhh...there were drills?

Me: DON'T SASS ME! SOUND THE ALARM!

Airhorner: Copy that. *switches off*

*cacophony of air horns ensue*


	4. SkitScript: Moviegoers mad

Movie goer: *shouting above air-horns* You guys, stop it! Look, it was funny at first, but now you're just being annoying...we just wanna watch the movie and see how this goes, okay?

Me: Alright, sorry... *calls to the audience* Okay, YOU GUYS! You all...you guys, you can stop now. Let's just watch the rest of the movie. *sits back down*

_Bella (on-screen): Edward..._

_Edward(on-screen): ...Reneesme._

_Bella(on-screen): ...love._

_Edward (on-screen): Bella..._

_Bella (on-screen): ...so beautiful..._

_Edward(on-screen): ...one of us..._

_Bella (on-screen): The Volturi..._

_Edward (on-screen): ...the dogs..._

_Bella(on-screen): ...marriage..._

_Edward(on-screen):..something about chess..._

_Bell(on-screen)a: ...Isle Esme..._

_Edward(on-screen): ...meaning of life..._

Me: ...nah, fuck this... *calls to audience* BRING THE AIR HORNS BACK, EVERYONE! *cacophony of horns resume*

Movie go-er: *sigh* Geezus... *picks up and leaves* You guys suck.

Me: WHAAA? I CAN'T HEAR YOU ABOVE ALL THE AIR HORNS!

Movie go-er: Arrgghhh *rolls eyes and leaves*

Friend: Oh shit... wait, Jacob just walked in the room! *motions to audience* STOP! STOP, you guys...stop the air horns for a sec, I wanna see this.

Me: *sits back down* THIS oughta be good...

d borne an angel."


	5. SkitScript: NO U

_Edward(on-screen): Jacob?_

_Jacob(on-screen): *dramatic pause* ...you!_

_Edward(on-screen): *turns around and lowers his voice* YOU!_

_Jacob(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Edward(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Bella(on-screen): YOU GAISE!_

_Edward(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Jacob(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Edward(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Jacob(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Edward(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_Jacob(on-screen): NO YOU!_

_*epic staredown*_

_Bella(on-screen): YOU GAISE! YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!_

Me: OOH, that meddlesome Bella! How DARE she interrupt their intense staredown and thereby slow down the action in the movie?

Friend: I know, and did you see the passionate hatred in both their eyes? They deserve an Oscar award.

_Edward(on screen): What is it, my effervescent love?_

_Bella(on-screen): Queen in a chess board._

_Jacob(on-screen): ...I did your daughter, by the way._

_Bella(on-screen): *flutters eyelashes* Tssk...now WHY would you do that? That is a VERY odd thing to do!_

_Jacob(on-screen): Yeah, she's Nessie now._

_Bella(on-screen): *eats his face off*_

Me and friend: WOOOAAAH!

Me: See, now THAT is the best piece of action right there.

Friend: Agreed. See, now why can't the MEN learn to fight like her?

Me: You're forgetting that every character in the movie is a little bitch. *pauses* Seriously, though, we should give her an Oscar for that rather INTIMIDATING display of prowess.

Friend: Maybe she's just hungry. Y'know, cause she's spoilt little Bella, turned into a new vampire and all, and now she wants something to feed off of.

Me: Sounds like the REAL Bella Swan.

Friend: Who?

Me: Smeyer.

Friend: Aaaah...


	6. SkitScript: Superpowers

_Emmett (on screen): FUCK YEAH! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! _

_Bella (on screen): How could you, you furry little bastard!_

_Emmett (on-screen): YeeeeeeeeAAAAH! ROCK ON!_

_Bella (on-screen): How could you call her Nessie! That name is SOFA KING STUPID!_

Me: You tell her, girl! *snaps fingers*

Friend: Ain't nobody gonna take away yo girl's ghetto name!

_Edward (on-screen): You're controlling yourself so beautifully and everfessantly, my darling. Most plain, naive human mothers would usually massacre their daughter's sex predator the minute he mentioned imprinting on her...but you're a beautiful, unique vampire and you're learning so fast._

_Bella (on-screen): It is so difficult having so many men in my life... *sad face*_

_Edward (on-screen): In fact, you're such a great mother, I'm going to stand by and watch while Jacob just imprinted on our daughter and not be a responsible parent at all...that's for boring ol' humans!_

Tasha *sighing*: Isn't Edward just DREAMY?

Amy: He's such an amazing father?

Me: Yeah, I wish my father was less protective over me, like other fathers. God, he is so human. In fact both my parents are so human. It's prolly cause why I'M so human.

Friend: It's their fault you're such a human.

Me: I want superpowers. *pouts*

Friend: Me too.

Me: I bet Renesmee has some pretty cool superpowers, though.

Friend: ...really?

Me *laughs*: PSSSHT nah, but let's keep watching.

_Carlisle (on-screen): Your baby has an incredible power unlike any other I've seen before..._

_Edward (on-screen): What?_

_Carlisle (on screen): She has the power of self-control._

*Me and friend burst out laughing*

Tasha: Oh my GOD! ARGH...

Amy: Will you guys STOP LAUGHING!

Friend: *gasping for air* Oh my God...Ahah...oh God I can't breathe...

Me: Oh God no...the POPCORN! *grabs hand* it is...too...tempting...for...me *pretends to stagger and fall over*

Friend: *restrains her from popcorn* NO! You must resist!

Me: I...can't...my powers are so...weak...PFFFFT *bursts out laughing*

Friend: I...can't...resist..EITHER! *extends hand towards popcorn* Noo...too...delicious... *grabs handful and shoves in face*

Me: Alas, poor wretched animal!

_Bella (on-screen): ...really?_

_Carlisle (on-screen): Yeah. Self-control._

_Bella (on-screen): ...nothing else?_

_Carlisle (on-screen): Ummm, nope. That's it. It's a hybrid, so it won't have the abilities to the extent that vampires do._

_Bella (on-screen): So she has no...powers?_

_Carlisle (on-screen): No, sorry. Can't always get what we want, I'm afraid._

(Me and friend le GASP!)

Me: Bella? Not get what she WANTS?

Friend: Mais sacré bleu, c'est incroyable!

Me: Truly, this is a grave, dark day for the Twilight universe when our little Vamp-princess doesn't get what she wants.

Friend: Fans everywhere are bewildered and distressed at the very notion that something doesn't go according to Bella's outlandish fantasies.

Me: ...has Bella ever not gotten everything she wanted ever?

Friend: I think there was this one time when her mom offered to let her stay in Florida with her.

Me: Well, as she has before in the first book, she prolly dealt with that in a calm, mature way.

(Me and friend break out into laughter)

Friend: Hahaha...Bella Swan being mature...

_Bella (on-screen): You know what? I'm upset now._

_Carlisle (on-screen): Really? Cause its not that big a deal._

_Bella (on-screen): Look at my face. Can't you see my upset?_

_Carlisle (on-screen): Uuuhhh..._

_Bella (on-screen): Cause it's totally there. I'm totally upset._

_Edward (on-screen): Why is my little spider- monkey upset?_

_Bella (on-screen): Becaue Carlisle said my baby doesn't have super-powers._

_Edward (on screen): Oh. That sucks._

_Bella (on-screen): It shatters my heart to see you so upset..._

_Edward (on-screen): Not as much as it does mine to see you upset, my spidermonkey._

_Bella (on-screen): Look at us. We're totally upset._

_Edward (on-screen): This is upsetting news._

_Bella (on-screen): I'm upset._

_Edward (on-screen) So am I._

_Bella (on-screen): We're totally upset._

_Edward (on-screen): So am I._

Me: So, just to be clear, this is a happy moment for them right now?

_Carlisle (on-screen): Alright, I understand you guys are upset..._

Friend: Okay, hold on- I think they _might_ be upset...

Me: Really? D'you think so?

Friend: I _think_ they're upset- I'm really not sure, though...

Me: Are we meant to...feel bad for them?

Friend: *laughs* I have NOOOO clue...their eyes look dead, but they have this weird...smile?

Me: Ah yes...

Friend: Like, a weird, open-mouth moan...

Me: The whole frontal-lobotomy look.

Friend: Always a fabulous look.

Me: Very sexy.

_Bella (on-screen): Edward, I'm a super speshul snowflake, aren't I?_

_Edward (on-screen): Yes you are, spider monkey._

_Bella (on-screen): And are we not super-speshul snowflakes together, my effervescent love?_

_Edward (on-screen): We are super-speshul together starting from forever._

Friend: Wow, even in another scene it STILL doesn't make sense.

_Bella (on-screen): Then why isn't our baby super speshul?_

_Edward (on-screen): I am upset about this as much as you are._

_Bella (on-screen): I mean, is it something wrong with me?_

_Edward (on-screen): I can't see anything wrong with you. And I'm super speshul._

_Bella (on-screen): Maybe its because I'm not as beautiful or magical as you people._

_Edward (on-screen): My super-speshul powers detect no flaws in you, Bella Swan._

_Bella (on-screen): Then why is our baby so wrong?_

_Edward (on-screen): Nonetheless, its our baby, and we must try to love it, horrible abomination it will always remain to me, as bravely as possible. _

_Bella (on-screen): My effervescent love, I should have died off that cliff in La Push when you left me._

_Edward (on-screen): I love you, despite your terrible offspring._

_Bella (on-screen): I hate everything ever._

Me: They're such great parents.

Friend: *sarcastically* I'm so jealous... I wanna be adopted by them so much!

Me: How's the self-control thing going for you, then?

Friend: Errr...umm... *grabs popcorn and eats it* ...I'm working on it.


	7. SkitScript: VOLTURIDUNDUNDUN

_Aro (On-screen): -apparate- Greetings. We are the Volturi, and we are here for the one called 'Renesmee'._

_Edward (on-screen): *stares with eyes wide open* omigodomigodomiGOD! How did you guys DO that?_

_Aro (on-screen): ...do what?_

_Edward (on-screen): THAT! One minute you're not there, and then next...POOF! You come right the hell outta nowhere! Oh God, this is so AWESOME! _

_(Volturi watch Edward as he freaks out)_

_Marcus (on-screen): This is the vampire that's spawned a hellchild, you say? He doesn't seem very...dangerous._

_Caius (on-screen): You should see him in the sun. Sparkling is probably his most dangerous weapon. (Marcus and Caius snicker)_

_Aro (on-screen): SILENCE! I am here for this hell-baby, this abomination called Renesmee...and this time... *dangerous low voice* **no one is going to stand in our way**. _

_(Epic music plays)_

Me: *pointing* Oh, God, GUYS! GUYS! The Volturi are HERE!

Friend: *wakes up* I-huh-what?

Me: The Volturi just came! Ooooh, shits about to happen! Shits about to get real! I...

(Friend rolls over back to sleep)

Me: *confused* Wake up? Don't you wanna see shit go down?

Friend: Hmm *yawns* yeah...

Me: Well, shits about to go down. Don't you wanna see it?

Friend: I don't give a shit what happens now.

Me: What? Why?

Friend: You'll see... *nods off to sleep*

_Ari (on-screen): Well, I guess we'll be going now._

Me: Wait...what?

_Marcus (on-screen): Sorry to take up your time._

_Edward (on-screen): It's fine, so we understand each other?_

Me: **What?**

_Marcus (on-screen): *to Carlisle* And if you ever wish to reconsider our offer..._

_Carlisle (on-screen): Thank you, but I'm happy where I am right now._

_Marcus (on-screen): Ahhh, I see...*pulls Carlisle aside* Are you sure you don't want to re-join us, Carlisle?_

_Carlisle (on screen): I'm perfectly satisfied where I am, and my wife loves me._

_Marcus (on-screen): But she can't give you the joy and companionship we can...and if I remember, we helped you some lonely times...*smiles suggestively* Some very, very lonely times..._

_Carlisle (on-screen): Dammit, Marcus, I'm a married man!_

Me: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Friend: *yawns* See, toldya.

Me: But what the fuck does this have to do with...

Friend: Yeah. *yawning* So you know Edward isn't the only freak-a-leek in the family...

Me: Yeah...so where's Edward, anyway? He hasn't been a cocktease for over ten minutes.

Friend: I don't care, I'm goin to sleep. *rolls over*

_Edward (on-screen): As the sun rises and sets every day...so will our love, my darling._

(Some rabid fangirls squeal with delight)

Friend: OY! Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to sleep here!

_Bella (on-screen): And as the river flows, so will my endless...*looks over shoulder* What is your dad doing over there._

Me: Still exhibiting that great acting, I see.

Friend: *yawns audibly*

Me: It's almost over, buddy.

Friend: Awww, but I was just getting into my afternoon nap!

_Edward: (on-screen) Oh that? Um...*looks over hsi shoulder* He's just going through some...agreements...and conditions._

_Bella (on-screen): What kind of conditions-_

_Edward (on-screen): It's nothing you need to know about, spidermonkey. You did a very good job protecting our baby today._

_Bella (on-screen): Thank you, my effervescent love. I hardly did anything._

Me: Bella in a rare moment where she's being honest, everyone.

Friend: *yawns* Is it over?

Me: It looks like the Volturi are leaving.

Friend: *sits up* Oh, yes, I am fucking OUTTA here!

Me: Movie's not over.

Friend: ..what?

Me: Movie's not over. We still have to sit through the ending.

Friend: ...is anything INTERESTING going to happen towards the ending?

Me: Just some more zombie porn.

Friend:...yeah, I'm leaving-

Me: ...you can call the air-horn squadron back into action.

Friend: Yay...! *runs back and gleefully takes walkie talkie*

Me: *pointing to the screen* Lo behold, more girlie porn!

_Jacob (on-screen): Renesmee, as the sun rises and sets every day, you will be my sweetheart forever._

_Renesmee (on-screen): *babbles* Abooboo...boooo..kah. Tay...Table. _

_Jacob (on-screen): Rensmee, honey...will I be your sweetheart forever?_

_Renesmee (on-screen): *touching Jacobs face* Baa...baaaaa...*distracted by leaf* coooo... _

_Jacob (on-screen): You were so brave today, little Nessie. One day, I'm going to teach you to go hunting all by yourself- when you look five, perhaps._

_Renesmee (on-screen): *cries* Waaaaahhh...Waaaaaaaaaahhhh...  
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_Jacob (on-screen): *picks her up* There, there, Renesmee...who's a pretty ittle plot device? Hmm? WHo's a pretty little dues ex machina?_

_Renesmee (on-screen): *stops* Coo?_

_Jacob (on-screen): Yes, you are, you pretty life saver, you absolutely convenient little monster, Nessie, my little loch-ness monster._

Friend: Can I PLEASE use this now?

Me: Not yet...

_Jacob (on-screen): No measure of time is long enough to spend with you, but we'll start with forever._

_Edward (on-screen): *warningly* Watch it, dog. You can mess around with my girlfriend...you can try and steal my daughter... *now inches away from Jacob's face* ...but NEVER. EVER. STEAL. MY. LINES._

*fangirls squeal*

Tasha: Oh EM GEEE...he's so protective!

Friend: *rolling eyes* Can I PLEASE use this now?

Me: Not yet.

_Jacob (on-screen): *leaning in even further* What are you going to do about it, LEECH?_

Me and Friend *chanting*: KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!

_Edward (on-screen): Well, I'm going to brood and smoulder at you...and make you're life as an in-law even worse!_

_Jacob (on-screen): What are you gonna do? Stare me to death while I'm banging your daughter?_

Me: OH SHIT!

Friend: Oh, he just crossed a line.

Me: You done fucked up NOW, son!

_Bella (on-screen): U gaise, stop fighting! No one's paid attention to me for a whole 72 seconds!_

Me: OH MY GOD BELLA FUCK OFF. JESUS.

Friend: I swear that Bella is the cancer that grows on action and plot development.

_Jacob (on-screen): You guys go suck each other's faces. *sighing and holding Renesmee* Rensmee and I will be together forever. *holding her close* Like two songbirds on tree, Renesmee and I will perch on our ever-growing tree of love, singing ever-loving songs of growth and happiness and deep, true love..._

Friend: *desperately* PLEASE, oh God, PLEASE can I use this now?

Me: *grimly* Not yet.

_Jacob (on-screen): I know this is going to sound kinda gross, Nessie, but...I wish I was the one changing your diapers, just so I can be the one you trust with your intimates...like you do your parents when they change you._

Friend: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST HEAR?

Me: It's okay, relax. She never poops.

Friend: But oh dear Lord...*points to walkie talkie*can I PLEASE use this?

Me: *grimly* Stay strong, soldier. Stay strong.

_Jacob (on-screen): You don't know how I feel about you, Nessie...you're too young to understand my feelings for you. I hope you grow up someday so that I can explain to you...really, really soon, like, cause I got a MAJOR boner and I can't get you to put out until you're like, seven._

_Renesmee (off-screen lady voice): My love... *she glows and hovers*_

_(Everyone stares in shock and awe as ethereal transformational music beings to play in the background. Renesmee turns into a bright silhouette, emitting almost blinding light that causes the surrounding to shield their eyes. As the music reaches a climax, she begins to spin around, faster and faster, changing color and shape from a white silhouette of a baby to a baby pink, shimmering silhouette of a 5 year old girl with long curly hair. The light dies down to reveal her true form; a girl with dark brown, curly hair, hideously done makeup- overly done red lips upon an austere, white face to resemble her father. As she gently lands on her feet, she smiles gently, as though awakened from sleep.)_

_Renesmee (on-screen): Mother, father...*turns to Jacob* Jacob...I have transformed!_

Audience: O_O

Movie go-er: ...did she just rip off Sailor Moon?

Friend: *looks to me patiently* ...is it time?

Me: *grimly* Yes. Now, it is time.

Friend: *into walkie talkie* This is the Writer speaking. All air horns, vuvzelas, drums, noise-makers into action. Now.

Airhorner: (on other end of walkie talkie) Orders recieved. Over.

(Cacophony of drums and airhorns, etc. ensue)

Friend: THIS...IS...SPARTA!

Me: ...that makes no sense.

Friend: What? Oh...well then *contemplates* I've got it! *turns to airhorners* TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN HELL!

(Airhorners are confused)

Me: ...that doesn't work either.

Friend: But it sounds so cool...

Me: I know, I know...try again.

Friend: ARRGH...okay, how about this...*turns around* AT MY SIGNAL...UNLEASH HELL!

Airhorner: We're already unleashing hell, dumass.

Friend: HEY!

Me: *puts hand on back* Let it go, man.

Friend: ...but I can has one epic..?

Me: It's okay. They won't hear you now anyway.


	8. Write like a Smeyer Bella and Charlie

So then, I woke up the next day, I woke up, feeling like something was terribly wrong. For some strange, misconstrued reason, I was born with this crippling inability to talk to my vital organs, so they were just nagging me like they were all monkeys in a ribcage; tearing my heart out of my chest-playing around with my insides...cutting off my nervous system from the rest of my body so that it turns numb and cold, like I was in an alien planet that was in outer space trying to understand their cryptic language...

So after a failed attempt to establish an alliance with my gut, even if just momentarily, to establish effective communication and feedback on what was going to go wrong today, I went to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. And the bristles causing friction against my teeth and gums. The contrast of the ragged, dynamic, mobile feeling against the rest of my cold, numb body was alarming. And refreshing. Like my teeth and gums were seperated from the rest of my face.

Cautiously, expectantly, I reached out for my left hand with my right hand, just to see how cold I really was. When my skin established contact with each other, my guts ran rampant with the sensation of hope, and then sunk through the floor with dissapointment, because it was nothing like Edward's touch.

All of an overwhelming sudden, so sudden I thought it had happened earlier, my thoughts flashed to Edward in warp speed. I thought about his crystalline skin glistening in the sun, like a thousand little diamonds, all embedded in his marble skin like shiny little terracotta diamonds. His scent...so effervescently delicious and succulent, like the scent of a pine forest at twilight...like the time he brought me to that pine forest. I remember because it was twilight...and suddenly, he grabbed me by the arms, crushing them really. Pulling me up off the ground so that my eyes were level with his gorgeous liquid topaz eyes...and all of a sudden he pressed his hard lips into mine with such brutal force I thought he was going to crush my front teeth and chew my lips off.

It was the most romantic kiss of my life...

...Zooming in back to reality, I had noticed that my toothbrush had fallen on the floor. And in dismay, I ran and crouched in the corner of my room before Charlie could see me, hiding the shame and embarrassment that is myself for being so clumsy as to drop the toothbrush on the floor and not finish brushing my teeth.

And suddenly, without warning of any indication of any kind...

"Bells? Are you okay?"

And that was when I sighed and threw my hands up in the air in a seemingly ancient sadness. Ever since I moved in Charlie, I've been hearing from him alot more than usual. I thought maybe it was because I live with him now, but he always seems to check on me just when I'm at my emotional peaks.

And that was annoying.

Charlie peeked his head through the door. 'Bells? Are you okay?'

I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself. I didn't want him to see me.

"I'm fine," I muttered. "I'm just...stressed and emotional right now. Go have breakfast without me."

Much to my annoyance, Charlie kept insisting on interrupting my emotional state. 'Bells? What's wrong?' He stuttered awkwardly. "Is there, erm...is there anything you need me to do for you? 'Cause, y'know, I'm going to the store now...if you'd like me to get you anything..."

My gut instinct suddenly established a connection, and I knew he was reffering to my menses, much to my shock and disgust. Immediately, I rolled out from under my temporary secret hiding spot and went to confront Charlie. "Oh my God, DAD! How could you SAY something like that?"

"But Bells, I..."

"Charlie, I don't...I just don't want you invading my privacy. Alright? This is too weird for me." In a frenzy, I grabbed my coat and backpack and headed for the door.

I bolted down the stairs-to my incredulous pride, I managed to do so without falling over. Charlie followed right behind me, nervous and pleading, like a homeless, balding puppy.

"Bells, please, I really want to help you. I want you to feel at home here. Come to the kitchen, now...I made breakfast, and I don't want you going to school on an empty stomach."

And that was the last straw...the thought of Charlie cooking anything at all repulsed me. I turned around furiously, and Charlie stepped back, alarmed. "Stop it, dad! Stop worrying about me everytime I have an emotional freakout! Okay? I hate when I'm feeling emotional and I want some time alone and then you come in and start asking me personal things! WE'RE NOT CLOSE, DAD!"

Charlie's face fell, like a sick dog. "But...but Bells..."

"You care about me? You want us to be closer, dad? Well, guess what, dad, I appreicate what you're trying to do, but I don't need you to do all these things for me! I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. And guess what? I don't like the attention you keep giving me. So please, just...back off!'

Inserting the key into the keyhole and twisting it, I stepped out into the rain, the water sloshing against my boots, the wet falling on my face and clothes. I looked back and saw Charlie standing at the door, stunned.

'But...I want you to be happy here, Bells.'

'You know what would make me happy, Dad?' I unlocked the trunk door and opened it. 'A new toothbrush.' I was so frustrated at having to live without basic necessities, while I get to have a truck. But no toothbrush.

'But what your new toothbrush, Bells? I just got it a week ago.'

'I dropped it, and I can't clean it because I don't want to put anything that's been on the bathroom floor on my mouth.'

'But...'

'Dad!' I pointed at my watch, indicating that I'm late for class. In reality, I'm an hour early, but I really wanted to leave this place now and just...be anywhere. Anywhere but here.

Charlie, with a resigned look and sad smile, nodded to me. 'Have a good day at school Bells."

I snorted under my breath and drove away, not looking at Charlie. I knew I was being rather outspoken and somewhat vague with Charlie, but the frustration of dropping my toothbrush was enough to last me the whole day. And besides, Charlie knew I loved him, although I wish he wouldn't try to be my world.

If only he knew my world was taken...

The worst part is, I knew that Mike, Eric and god knows who are waiting to bump into me, to speak to me in the hall, all while I'm walking around with dragon breath. And the absolute worst part is...I have a math exam today, and my terrible breath might distract me from doing well in an exam. I just could not face Mrs. Equation's dissapproving face as she hands me my test back with a big, red A- on it. And then to face Edward, in all his shining glory, knowing that Eric and Mike and every guy in school has spoken to me, that I have gotten an A-, and worst of all, that I have horrible breath...to watch his face turn into a sneer and watch him walk away from me...his feet making a sparkling noise with every step...


End file.
